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March 04, 2004
Better Than Peeps
I got the best gift ever last night.
First, I have to say I was really nervous when I saw it. I was preparing to make my most genuine face. Preparing to not go overboard with the high pitched “Thank you! Oh my goodness!” It was one of those gifts from a guy where you go, “Fuck, it’s a little ass generic, no-matching-my-decor teddy bear that I’ll have to display any time he’s around the house.” Those teddy bears with the poisonous, hard Styrofoam pellets in their bodies. You know, those bears that the not too smooth dudes buy at Rite Aid to accompany both a single red rose with the “rose food” packet still attached by a rubber band and a card where he’s just signed his name (in the car outside your front step). I mean, if you’re going to be so hasty and unoriginal with the gift-giving, I’ll take a can of Beefaroni even. At least there’s a good story there. Or if you’re really lucky, you’ll get that paper mache rose that’s a total impulse buy at the cash register at the gas station. I know! I should just be happy I’m getting teddy bears and flowers. I know! I know! I’m just sharing some inside shit that I shouldn’t share. I swear I’m not shallow. I just hate shitty teddy bears. There shouldn’t even be a such thing as a shitty teddy bear. All teddy bears should be amazing just based on connotation alone.
Aahhh, but this bear is different. He holds a satin heart in his hands and the heart reads:
SHIT BITCH YOU IS FINE
I laughed and laughed. If you want to make your lady friend smile, I suggest you snap up a Shit Bitch bear today, sir. It’s at www.tomatoalligator.com. Get down tonight!
Posted by melissah at March 4, 2004 01:05 PM