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March 08, 2004
Melissa Will Kill You
I just took some truth serum.
The Inferno. I should have been doing a review from the jump, but as you know, I actually gave a shit about whether or not people think I have a life. Let’s face it. I kinda don’t. I watch The Inferno. I really like The Inferno. Plus, the puppeteer of the world Coral, happens to be both my roommate and my straight up gangsta ass homie, so whatever, The Inferno is a part of my life too. I have shit to say about it. If you don’t like it, eat my ass in the coat closet.
What episode are we even on? Doesn’t matter because the most hilarious episode is about to air tonight*. The hilarity has now ensued. Coral “the manipulative bitch” is about to have me rolling yet again. Last week did you hear her say, “Welcome to hell…” with a complete straight face when Syrus was inquiring about why it was so hot at the Inferno set? “Welcome to hell” is a staple in our conversations around here, so maybe it wasn’t that funny to you but it’s a personal inside joke around here. Also, Syrus is by far the best! Everytime CT goes up for something, Syrus will go “Ceee Tizzle”. One time, during the chicken suit competition he did a variation of the Cabbage Patch and sang it. He said it in another episode too. It makes me laugh every time. Speaking of CT, oh my goodness. His body is a mother fucking wonderland. That fool is fine. The kind of fine that makes you spell it wrong. Foooooine. I keep waiting for him to take his shirt off, and a part of me feels bad about objectifying him this way, but not really. I don’t want to meet his mama, you know. He’s just hot.
I’m still trying to figure out what Katie and that dude Jeremy were even talking about when he left. I had to rewind the tape. What are y’all talking about? I’m still getting to know Christine. Actually, the whole Road Rules team is a joy to watch. Darrell is hysterical. He pronounces Inferno wrong and also said he wanted to go at the games as if he were a runaway slave. Shane’s comment about Katie and smoking and drinking had me rolling. Shane’s so not full of shit and appears to be so over it at the same time. Timmy makes me laugh. Veronica is cracking me up. She said vagina and Mormon in the same sentence. Seeing them tear up that room like rock stars was also hilarious but only because I saw Coral exactly once on camera and it was just her leg that was caught in a broken piece of furniture. I freeze framed and laughed for a good couple minutes. The editors are finally cutting these shows to be funny. It’s so much better this way.
Tonight, Coral’s not that into passive aggressive behavior. Who is? Do I have a vested interest in seeing this verbal assault go down between Coral and Whatsherface? Totally, but not in an angry vindictive way. It’s a more fluffy, light, joyous thing. The feeling is comparable to being totally rolling-the-eyes-over Britney Spears and being overjoyed by seeing her entire weave track, synthetic white lining and all, plus scalp full of roots from a topside view and knowing full well that my whole head of hair is real baby (neck twist, index finger wagging). Maybe you’re not that evil, but whatever, you know what I’m saying. It’s only human to feel this way. I still like you Britney. Of course, I could perpetrate and act like I don’t care. Pull an aspiring actor “I don’t watch myself or my colleagues on Real World because I’ve moved beyond that phase of my career…” but that’s a nasty lie. I don’t even use the words actor, career or colleagues anyway. Shoot, even you’re excited and you don’t even know her, me or Coral. I’m positively embroiled in the shit.
Sure, I’ll catch some flak for Coral’s lack of interest in Whatsherface but I swear on the holiest of grails that Coral’s views of her are born out of her own experiences with her. And even if Coral did dislike to strongly dislike her because of how I feel about her, that wouldn’t even be wrong. I love people that live by the law of loyalty. The point is, this next episode is about to be straight comedy. The echo factor alone is downright hilarious. When Coral goes, “I just don’t like the bitch because her personality sucks” I literally fell off the couch. It was a combination of the stank face on top of the words “the bitch” that kinda roll together into one word that made me laugh. Oh shit, Spriteboy, hi. Thanks for Redeeming Melissa on your site. If you were in the room with me, I’d do my two fingers to my eyes and then to your eyes thing like when Robert Deniro tells Ben Stiller he’s watching him in Meet The Parents. We’re so on the same page, man. Yeah, I read his blog. What’s it to you? I so don't understand why they keep checking in to your hotel if they had such a bad past experience. People suck, man.
Of course, I knew of everything that happened at The Inferno as it unfolded. Coral got maybe 10 minutes a week on the phone and she’d call me with the updates. I would then crack up for hours. You know that fight you see in the previews where Coral goes, “I beat bitches up…”? I was blessed enough to have been on the phone with her while it was still going down, but I never knew she actually said she beats bitches up until I saw it on TV. We laughed and laughed at the audacity. Is that going to be on the same episode tonight? No! MTV spread the joy out. I’ll have a heart attack if it’s all combined in one episode. Better have my Bayer on the night table.
Let’s back up to the flak-catching. I’ve been given credit for the ever so adorable Melissa Will Kill You shirt. The emails I’ve gotten about it are really funny and for that I say thank you. You guys are nice. I’ve had people come up to me and say, “Yo dude, that shirt you made Coral wear is funny as hell!” First of all, I don’t know if you know Coral, but nobody MAKES her do anything. As far as she’s concerned all she has to day is stay black and die. Mr. Clark don’t play. As much as I would love to take the credit for a shirt so precious, I can’t. Coral’s the mastermind, but I obviously thought it to be delightful. So Jason, here’s your answer to how that went down.
Coral purchased some iron-on letters from the store to make shirts to say hello to her friends and family. If you notice during the fight where Trishelle so DIDN’T set Coral straight on her voting strategy thank you very much, she’s wearing a shirt that says “Courtesy of Joseph and Tera” meaning, she, Coral is appearing courtesy of her folks Joseph and Miss Tera. Hey Miss Tera. If you look at the pictures on MTV.com of the cast arrivals, she’s wearing a really cute green one that says Hot Kirby. Kirby is a good friend of ours who also stars in Norman Korpi’s The Wedding Video as the planner’s assistant that says, “Let’s get it cracking and rolling”. We couldn’t come up with a clever thing to say about Kirby, so I said, “Just put Hot Kirby on that shit” and Coral loved it, Kirby loved it and thus it became a shirt complete with a little rainbow on the sleeve. Raise the roof for West Hollywood. Hey Kirb.
Now for my shout-out, I didn’t want “Where’s Melissa?” because that’s completely unoriginal and I know damn well where I am. And much like the difficulty of writing your own bio, it’s really hard to come up with something cool that’s about yourself so I became frustrated and said, “I don’t know man, you think of something”. So Coral goes “Melissa will kill you” with a thug unit on her face, kinda like how Jamie Foxx said “New York’ll kill you” when Fancy wanted to move there but he disapproved. Do you know that episode? The last episode ever I think? We laughed. I thought it was clever and when I saw the pink lettering, it just became too cute to deny. I co-signed it right there. Even the crew was rolling when Coral debuted it the second day in Mexico. I mean, if you can’t find the humor in that, you must not have a bellybutton. She’s allowed to express her distaste for someone as she simultaneously says what’s up to me and still play the game. Just because she doesn’t like the girl, doesn’t mean she’s going to immediately try to get her off the team. She’s not me. She’s going to play to her best advantage. Plus, one of Coral’s strategies going in was to keep Whatsherface on the team because everybody’s convinced that she’s a good competitor. For some reason, I’m seeing the letters D and Q. Do yoDu see thQat? Coral’s said a billion times, “As long as you’re getting up those ladders and winning me my money, you can stay…” Coral’s not an asshole. She’s smart and wants to win that cash. And if it means co-existing with someone she despises, so be it.
So yeah, the Melissa Will Kill You shirt is in the online store now. Mosey on over. It’s there. It was put on this earth for you and for me. Elevate your mind, Craig. Check out the shirt. Happy Inferno watching tonight!
*Edited to add: Um, I saw the episode, and it was so disappointing. That's the last time I believe an exciting preview. How could I be duped? There were a million better ways to do it, man. Coral's analysis of the ugly shoes was quite hysterical though.
Posted by melissah at March 8, 2004 12:06 PM