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September 08, 2004
The Irony of It All: They Live in a Bank.
Well, guys, it’s official. I’m a total asshole.
I just flaked on movies with a completely normal man with a job, a car and a sense of humor to a) do laundry and b) watch the mother fucking Real World. Shit. They sucked me back in, yes they did. Whatever. Jennifer Aniston watches it. She does!
The casting special thing is on right now. People have been calling me all week going, “I saw you on MTV…giggle…giggle…” in my voice mail. Sure-fire way to not get a call back, people. Yes, they will run that fucking clip into the ground. But thank you Ruthie for saying my boobs are big. Not fake. Big. White men like big titty. I’m quoting Teck now. Who am I?
A little bit ago, I had heard that two guys on this season would be gay. One already out and the other in the closet. Well, “in the closet” is all relative on Real World. They usually don’t come out on camera. Every single thing points to it (namely fucking other guys in the confessional or the forests of Jamaica), they just don’t say it and then they don’t show the clips of all the cast members saying, “Homeboy is fucking gay!” or my dad coming in and saying, “Yo, is homeboy a little sweet?” Regardless, I have to say that alone is the entire draw for me to come back to watching the show, six seasons later. Two gay guys under one roof shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I have two gay dudes in my pocket right now, but to show that on TV is some type of monumental shit.
You realize, I actually liked to watch Real World before I did the shit. Then, you just kinda get over watching it because you think you know every damn thing or you meet those fools out and about and you don’t know shit about them except for what you’ve heard and it’s usually shit like, “she’s a ho” or “he said something racist” or “he had a threesome with two dudes but claims he’s straight…” and you’re just like, “Duh.” And then you just feel old because they are 19 and asking you where the Saddle Ranch is or who to call at MTV to get something, anything free. The answers: Saddle Ranch doesn’t register in my lexicon of information and um, try stealing everything in the green room at TRL and see how far you get (pause) cigarette inhale. Then, I’m the big bitch. “I met that Melissa girl and she was a bitch.” No, she’s just old as fuck guys. It’s not personal.
All right. The show is on. Running commentary, here we go:
Black this. Black that.
Okay, why is it that when Landon and MJ first met they didn’t go, “My mom gave me away at birth too! Did you always know you had a twin brother?” So, I don’t know if my connection is bad, but the two white dudes look exactly alike. Like Lebowski, I’m going to call them “The Whites” and it won’t matter who I’m talking about. For hypothetical example: In this episode, The Whites went to the store with Shavonda and said that he doesn’t use Tabasco sauce because it’s a black thing. Shavonda, scanning the possibilities of being either the angry black girl or the passive black girl who didn’t say anything because she is scared to be pegged as the angry black girl, calmly rolled her eyes deciding against snapping her neck and said, “The Whites, you know what, you should look into using black hair products. You’d be surprised at what we blacks know…” All hypothetical.
Yes, boys, Shavonda is black. She sure is. Let’s keep on saying it for good measure. And thanks for qualifying her hotness by saying she’s the “hottest black girl” you’ve ever seen. Look around mother fuckers, she’s the hottest girl in the house. And earthquake, she’s black! I felt this same way about Irulan in Vegas. Hottest girl in the house. Bitches be getting duped.
Um, Nashville is big as hell. Valrico, now that’s a small town. Nashville is gigantic. But I get it. At least he said he’s white and Southern upfront. Now, if and when he says some off the chain shit, we’re not at all surprised. And he will be forgiven because that’s the way the show works.
Willie’s job is the shit. A personal shopper! Look at his Louis bag too. That would be my roommate pick right there. I know he has all the Kiehl’s. He’s bought his clients Kiehl’s before. Willie, if you’re reading this, after the show, you keep that job honey unless you book a soap opera or a movie. You keep on shopping! And he calls people douchebags. This might work for me. Not to mention, I need to know everything about Ghostwriter right now. He’s got an interesting situation. There’s almost nothing worse than being a former child star except of course, being an unemployed, washed-up reality person and fuck, how will he juggle the two? He better start journaling immediately and I will ghostwrite his book. I’m sure I will bump into him at The Abbey, where he will be welcomed with open arms by the two door guys who happen to be a heterosexual former Real World person and a heterosexual former Road Ruler. Yes, they work the door together and they say they are straight. Just because you work the door at the gayest establishment in all of the nation, it does not mean you are gay. It just means that the rest of us, Real Worlders and non Real Worlders, will call you gay in phone conversations, text messages and emails. Oh well.
Enough with this trying to maintain a relationship during the filming of the show. It’s not a good storyline. We all know how it ends. It’s fucking over. You’re kissing fools in the hot tub. Calling home crying talking about, “I cheated on you…” and if the at-home lover is smart he’ll take that opportunity to yell “WHOOOOOOOOORE!” repeatedly into the phone for my personal amusement blah blah blah. It is comedy gold, it’s just that it’s been done.
Tall, African-American and hip hop? What does that mean?
So the girl from Tampa is clearly saying she’s the sexual girl. She said this. Not me. “Sexual” is fancy code talk. Y’all know that. Let’s see what happens here. Go Tampa go. Shit. So, is this normal? When ladies have fake boobs they allow others to just grope them casually? I did not know this.
You would have never guessed Karamo is gay? Really? Exclamation point! I totally thought he was. It wasn’t even a “gaydar” thing. I just thought that a thousand years ago. And it wasn’t the long pinky nails either.
Okay, well, I like Willie. Not because he’s “fabulous” or would be a “good shopping partner” (eye roll). I just like him. Keep up the good work, Willie.
In their interviews, they are all so openly aware of the cameras. Yeah, of course, it’s been 108 years that the show’s been on, but I never thought the editors would include these statements in the final cut. “God I shouldn’t have said that…” or “She’s not comfortable with her sexuality on TV…” This is very interesting.
Kill me dead if I ever say “Philly.” It is a rule. Only people from Philadelphia can say that and get away with it. Same rule applies for “San Fran” and “Hotlanta” okay.
So the quiet regular girl hasn’t said much yet. She’s probably the most interesting one of the bunch. If we’re lucky, she’ll be a crier, a cutter, a “technical” virgin, a singer and a pill popper all the while going to church. Only if we’re lucky. Or she’ll just check her email and change her outfit a few times a day. The email checkers usually do change their outfits a whole bunch.
Do Landon and MJ not see that they are the parallel storyline to the two gay guys storyline? They have a totally homoerotic thing going for me. Maybe it’s just me. Are they going to share their pomade? Well, shit, I have to watch this show now. Damn it. I’ll probably give up after next week. Amazing Race is too good to wait around until the Saturday rerun.
The girls are already sharing jewelry. Some time has passed between day one and the night they go to the gay club. Ugh, I’m grossing myself out right now.
YESSSSSSS! I was so worried that Willie would have some over plucked or crazy waxed eyebrows that I'd have to train myself to ignore, but he knows what he's doing. Thank you.
FUCK YEAH BON JOVI IS ON THIS SHIT! Now, that’s a boss. Bon Jovi is what’s up. That’s the kind of boss I need. I always thought that fool was fine. I would be doing some overtime. Trying to get that fool to co-write a fucking song with me. How can I be a bigger part of your life, Jon? These five words I swear to you, bitch.
Jonathan Murray. I gotta hand it to him. The show is still good. This and Starting Over. Boom. Viewer 4 Eva.
And finally, it is very sad and weird that Mary Ellis’s name wasn’t in the final credits. Weird.
Okay, I have to watch these nasty hoes on One Bad Trip. I never understood the premise of this show. Don’t you see the cameras rolling though? Why are you acting surprised that you’re a ho and your mom saw it all go down in her face? My children are never going on Spring Break. Not with those attitudes. Booze cruise? You ought to be adamnshamed of yourself. Also, “flava” is not a word.
Posted by melissah at September 8, 2004 02:37 AM