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August 18, 2005
Scott Bayou?
Battle of the Network Reality Stars. I don’t really know what to say…
I’m visiting my parents right now, so…
The highlight of the show for me was when Shorty watched me compete in the relay race and had this commentary, dead serious too:
Damn, you slow! You let that bitch beat you. Aww, you suck.
On Heidi’s performance, he said:
Go girl. Go girl. God damn. She don’t have a chance. Y’all team suck.
On Duncan Nutter’s performance:
Oh shit, the man with the belly ain’t even hit the rope. He can’t do that. He ain’t even hit the rope.
On Coral, just in general:
Wooh. She fine. Coral is fine.
Inappropriate much, Shorty?
On me and Coral dancing:
Y’all sick.
On seeing his softball jersey on Coral during the first part of the episode:
Why y’all bring my shirt on TV? I been looking for that jersey. Always taking my shit.
“But dad, aren’t you so excited to see your name on TV?” I ask.
He replies:
No, damn it. I am not excited. Shit I gotta go to work unlike some of you. I don’t have time for this shit. Put it on the TiVo. I’ll watch it later. Y’all sick.
That wasn’t nearly as delightful as my 13-year-old nephew’s running commentary:
Auntie, why does it look so cheap? It’s like, did they spend any money on the show? It’s like this show is trying to be good, but it’s like, just not.
He left the room at about the 17th minute after making sure his Law & Order was set on the TiVo.
When he came back into the room, he said:
The jousting stick just broke. Auntie, what’s your job again?
I sternly reply:
Sometimes I get paid to be myself. Play games, okay. Do you want to go to the store tomorrow or not? You’re not helping your own cause here. And don’t you have some homework?
He replies:
Okay, do you have anything I can do for you for money?
I swat him away.
He grumbles something under his breath about the show and leaves the room again.
First of all, in my own defense, I almost, maybe almost, made it to the five minute mark on that joust. Ryan Starr aka Tiffany Montgomery had a tough little time booting me off that platform. Shit, I had tough little time getting out there. Heights and water? There’s only so much one black reality “star” can take.
At one point during the joust, Ryan noticed an earring on the platform. It was Sue Hawk’s earring. Had it been a diamond, I might have been a nasty little hamburglar and taken it but no. So Ryan sees the earring and stops jousting for a second to say, “An earring! An earring! Did you lose your earring?” and I stop for a just a second, but take that opportunity to jab her in the legs before I say, “That ain’t mine...” as I proceed to try to actually win this competition. It was never going to happen. I can’t win at the joust. I am not a joust winner. I was so worried about my teeth I couldn’t really concentrate. If she jousted my teeth out, my appearance fee wouldn’t even have covered the price of these chompers. Fucked up.
I don’t even know why I was jousting in the first place. Oh yes I do. Coral and I had just come to an agreement that I’d do some awful shit and she’d do some awful shit. I really wasn’t trying to joust because I’d just gotten my hair blown out the day before when I shot a commercial for Oxygen. Having it straight is a luxury. She wasn’t trying to joust because that bitch will just die in a pool of water. Plus, I didn't bring the proper tools to smooth her do out post water activity. We looked right at each other in the hotel lobby the morning of the first day of shooting and said, “Help me help you…” and we high-fived.
Having nothing at all to do with the episode, I have to point you to Chip and Kim’s website www.chipandkim.tv. There is a picture of me holding a piece of chicken on a stick. Not that interesting, but they’ll probably never air Omarosa interviewing my team where I’m behind her picking up shards of her weave, pointing to it and mouthing to the camera “what the fuck!” so I had to give you something to work with.
Ryan Starr backstabbing Charla – I did not know that. Charla saying that Ryan said, “You being here makes the show so real…” is hilarious and ridiculous. Little people are real. And she’s here. And the wardrobe people keep mixing up our outfits. Two days in a row, I had Charla’s Nikes on by accident. Now, Ryan read the bible every morning so the fact that she’s a backstabber is insane. Bible people doing wrong? I'll never believe it. Bible people going on tour in China (China?) – fucking awesome.
I look really mean sometimes on camera. My cellulite that has started to appear on the backs of my legs though – nowhere to be seen. Yeah baby. Never go to a Lord & Taylor’s dressing room. You will run straight home to all the creams, jump on the elliptical, swim a lap and then bother your boyfriend all night about how ugly the backs of your legs are. He’ll tell you you’re stupid and you’ll take your frustration out on him by asking him to please get out of the warm and cuddly covers and go get you a Drumstick. “A chocolate one,” you’ll yell as you know he’s already halfway up the stairs with the vanilla one.
The previews for this show look great. The Swan and Adam Mesh during a football game? Fun to discuss but not nearly as fun as watching Omarosa on the mechanical bull in between takes. Between the white hot pants with painful looking camel toe and the wax sculpture “I’m having fun” fake face she does, I don’t know where to start. I’ve got to save all my stories for a slow day of reporting though. We’ll see how this goes.
And by the way, I have no fan base so thank you to Will from Big Brother for reading this. Will is my favorite Battle of the Network Reality Stars competitor ever.
I’ll leave you with one trivia question:
Which cast member totally smells like Frankincense and Myrrh?
Tune in next week for the answer. Until then, on Bravo watch Bobby Brown get a blackhead extracted from his face by the actual Whitney Houston and then watch Kathy Griffin not Griffith -damn, didn't know everyone was so picky about her last name. Did you see Lance Bass show up at her game night with The Gays? I'm totally watching what happens.
Posted by melissah at August 18, 2005 12:36 AM