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September 22, 2005
Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam Featuring The Full Force
When I moved to NY, my whole life changed. Not in a bad way. Just in a “whoa” kind of way. The suburbs are off the chain, really.
But now that America’s Next Top Model is back on, I feel like getting situated will be so much easier. Yes, it will suck to have to wait three hours until Coral sees it so we can go off, but there’s something really fun about texting her halfway through with insane messages.
I love America’s Next Top Model.
The girl I want to win never wins. Except Eva. She should have won and I’m glad she did. There’s always a hood rat (or is there this time?). The plus-sized model always makes it through four or five episodes which is totally surprising but also kinda wrong because everybody knows she won’t get picked. Though she will always work somewhere after the show. There are always 6 just plain unattractive bitches that had no business even going up in there. I always get sad when I see one of the hot ones with a tramp stamp (terribly cliché, chosen right off the wall tattoo above her butt on the small of her back). There’s always an annoying backwoods one that will say she’s never seen a black person or can’t name one supermodel.
I don’t even know where to start.
When Tyra asks you to name a Cover Girl, you name Eva. Duh. Bitch, you know you watch the show. Why do new reality contestants always claim they don’t or haven’t watched the show they are currently appearing on? Why? It’s a lie that’s not even worth telling. If you have to lie on a reality show, don’t lie about that. Lie about wanting to take your prize and donate all of it to impoverished people but – actually, don’t lie about that because now I want you voted off. What do you plan on doing? Giving Cover Girl to the bloat-bellied poor children so they can look like third world versions of Jon Benet? Oh, looks like you Miss Humanitarian-No-I-Take-All-That-Back won’t even make the final 13. Yippee!
Pageant Girl Cassandra? Well, you know, it’s hard to really just plain go off and judge these girls because it’s like, maybe I’ll meet one randomly at some party and I’ll feel bad (not likely – the party part, I mean or do I?). But it’s like, this whole show is ABOUT being judged based solely on your looks. Tyra can say it’s partially personality all she wants but Naima’s personality didn’t exactly blow me away and look at her. She’s the winner. Does anyone else think they should not do the Cover Girl of the Week poll after every show? Naima won every time and then she won the show which made it all way too obvious. I didn’t even have to watch and that’s crazy talk. This is, like, the best show ever in the world. Until Project Runway comes back at least.
Maybe I should just shut my mouth because I understand what it feels like to be talked shit about and it sucks but fuck, this Cassandra girl is wack.
Number one, when Diane (the plus-sized model) asked her why our president is so dumb she replied that he wasn’t. In that Texas pageant girl voice which is really violation count 2, but I’ll lump that all in one. I didn’t have any problem with the harness. It was very easy for me. I have the most to offer as a contestant because I’m just wonderful. I hope she does a tacky pageant wave on her way out because she is definitely not the winner. Tyra sets them right up and then they come crashing down. Cassandra does need to stay long enough for that crash to be worth enduring her on my screen though.
Two. That rhinestone TX tank top? Vomit pouring out of my eyes.
Three. For all her complaining about who isn’t proper, bitch, you’re the one with those swamp feet up on the kitchen counter. Go wash your dogs. Put some flip flops on. Get back to the kitchen and wipe the counter down, asshole. And how about getting your vagina off the countertop where I’ll be preparing my Saltine, grape and Trim Spa pill lunch, mkay, how about that? She never even said she was a full-on Bush supporter and I just went off. I love this show.
It’s unclear who will be accused of the eating disorder this year. I usually figure that one out right at the top.
Oh wow. Coryn. It took TWO hours of programming for Tyra to say something about those eyebrows. Eyebrows are so very important. I know because at one point I did not have any and I looked like an asshole. But this girl has got eyebrows for days. I don’t even know if I can wait until the makeover next week. I need to see a new Coryn now. She’s definitely not the winner either. She’s different. Yes, that’s true. But she’s not taking home the gold. She’s the one they keep around so that we, the viewers, feel a little better about ourselves because you can’t have every damn thing. She has a great body though. Big ups for that. If they had 13 insanely smoking hot girls with luminous skin, amazing eyebrows, Kelly Monaco bodies, silky manes and a great understanding of the English language, well, we wouldn’t have a show. I’d just want to kill myself. Which is why I don’t watch the commercials during Next Top Model. I don’t fucking IPEX, Gisele, now leave me alone about it. I’m eating crinkle fries at midnight as I type this. Why? Damn you Ore Ida!
I saw that lesbian kiss coming a MILE away. Now, can they take it to the next level? Start dating, sleeping in the same bed, have interview after interview about how there are no lesbians in the small town she lives in so this is just a “new journey”. Maybe the backwoods girl’s parents can call and say terribly outdated and jaw-droppingly nasty homophobic things to their daughter over the speaker phone and the lesbian can go off, but in a cool, not trite way and that can be a whole episode because that would be B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Lesbian hot tub scenes! If they can pull that off, then hats off to Anthony Dominici. You go! And then can they each bawl their eyes out as they get picked off. Bad Walker is so going before Lesbian.
But Bad Walker is going to make it for the next couple episodes because a good trip and fall is all I need to call it a wonderful episode. I wish I had TiVo because I just want to see it again and again. BW was hurting! I thought I’d be over it by the time they showed her trip for the third time, but I wasn’t. I enjoyed it just as much. Miss Jay is going to make her cry. It will be hard to watch (not really) but it’s going to be great.
Can we just discuss NATE DOGG please? I have zero career, okay. What is happening in my life that I can’t even just get a tiny invitation to the Life&Style ANTM party? But Nate Dogg is practically hosting the event? What is this? Why do I have time to write this? Hey GREAT JOB GODS – what’s up? How about a second round for me!
Jayla is this season’s Norelle. Ebony, the one that looks strikingly like Kobe Bryant which isn’t necessarily a bad thing because I do find him to be attractive, is this season’s Kelle. Kobebony! She will cry about having taken a bad photo and she will wonder why it keeps happening to her. (Because you’re not a model is usually the answer). Don’t get it twisted. Bre is the new Ya Ya (who I think could have also won the show her season).
We all KNOW the winner is LISA.
If I were there, I’d just say, “Lisa, you’re prettier than all of us. It’s obvious you’re the winner. Let’s just be cool. Let’s be friends. Let’s shop and stuff before you go get all famous and try to forget about me. At least invite me to some shit. Come on, dude. It’s only fair…”
Lisa is fucking smoking hot. She’s the feminine-faced Omahyra. Omahyra is the hottest bitch ever, in my opinion. Lisa’s also got this Gina Gershon thing. She’s also the best dressed of the bunch meaning she doesn’t look like Forever 21 exploded in her face.
Which is another thing…
Have none of these girls SEEN the show?
Every season Tyra tells them to take all that dumb shit off. She says, “That’s not what a model wears…” and it’s not. Models don’t wear 19 trends in one outfit. They surely don’t wear bedazzled Texas shirts either. And call me an asshole, but the jean miniskirt is so boring. I was sad when I threw mine out, but I did it. It takes courage, but just do it. Go try it. Your wardrobe won’t miss it.
Lisa is the winner, but now that I’ve said it out loud, she won’t win because the girl I pick never wins. For the record, for Cycle 1, I chose Elyse even though Adrienne’s body was way better. For Cycle 2, I chose Sara and Mercedes. For Cycle 3, I did love Ann and Ya Ya but Eva should have won, totally. For Cycle 4, I picked Brita (first to go, wack) and Tatiana even though Naima won the CG poll every time. You see, no one I pick, Eva excluded, ever wins.
Come on Lisa. Do it. And don’t make me hate you mid-show because I don’t have a replacement for you. Well, Diane is really pretty but I know better than to get those hopes up.
I might be regularly commenting on this here show if it stays this amazing. Three falls, two bushy eyebrows, one lesbian kiss and a ZERO for the girl who totally thought she had this shit and then got voted off right off the bat -- I'm in heaven right now.
P.S. I DEMAND JANICE DICKINSON’S RETURN.
Posted by melissah at September 22, 2005 12:47 AM