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April 19, 2006

99 Problems

Ugh.

Normally, I’d applaud and jump for joy when anyone announces that he just had a baby. But when that anyone is Tom Cruise AND he took a perfectly good Hebrew name for a girl, I just roll my neck and suck my teeth. Suri – it’s ruined forever now. I mean, congratulations and everything. I happen to be one of those people that think that is Chris Klein’s baby. I mean, Connor and Isabella are adopted. Plus, when I lived in West Hollywood aka Boyz Town everyone said Tom was gay and and and that he “shoots blanks” -- that was a normal nugget in the Tom Cruise gossip ring umhmmm. So whatever. I’ve avoided all celebrity gossip about him because I had to promise myself to go from outrage to indifference because I couldn’t feed that terrible machine (or look at his wild face anymore). I just scroll past his and Katie Holmes’ picture but after reading about this poll where 84% of us think that Tom Cruise is great and it’s the media that sucks --

"We at Parade found this a little bit fishy, so we did some investigating. We found out more than 14,000 (of the 18,000-plus votes) that came in were cast from only 10 computers! One computer was responsible for nearly 8,400 votes alone, all blaming the media for Tom's troubles. We also discovered that at least two other machines were the sources of inordinate numbers of votes. It seems these folks (whoever they may be) resorted to extraordinary measures to try to portray Tom in a positive light for the Parade.com survey. There is even a chance they wrote a special 'bot' program for the sole purpose of skewing the results, rather than casting the votes by hand on a computer." Page Six

-- I’m back to outrage. This is a grown ass man trying to manipulate some shit that is already so far destroyed. Tom, it’s over for you. We don’t like you anymore. You’re out of your mind. And it’s not even the Scientology thing. That’s just whatever – be you. It’s the intensity with which you annoy. And poor Katie. Kate. Sorry. Her tell-all book will be so good, so good. Amy Fisher good. Jermaine Jackson good. Any family member of Whitney Houston good. Okay, not Whitney Houston good. And not even Jermaine Jackson good. Nothing tops hearing from Whitney’s sister-in-law saying that Whitney be seeing demons! And in those photographs there’s a can of Budweiser. Amazing. And Jermaine talking about Michael loves wine. I bet he drinks the boxed wine too. I bet he does!

All this got me to talking about the future in celebrity gossip/stalking. I was doing a four-mile walk with my friend Melissa. Yes, her name is Melissa and I am still so fascinated by it. When I text her, it says from Melissa to Melissa. When I call her, I say, “Hey Melissa, it’s Melissa…” and she does the same and we are both so not over it. We giggle every time like no one has ever been named Melissa in the whole world. There is a Melissa book, you know. The first book entirely about a name is about the name Melissa. See, I’m groundbreaking!

Anyway, on this walk where a mother of two big ass kids was RUNNING while pushing her double stroller and she still completed the walk before us, we got to discussing the future of the celebrities and their already-famous-been-photographed-even-in-the-womb offspring.

If you’re not into celebrity gossip, this won’t be for you. Or if you want to get involved, just open up a Google box when you don’t know who I’m talking about because I am not explaining. Which is part of the problem. I’m on a first name basis with this dumb ass information and I can’t stop. Is this an addiction? And if so, can we please talk about my addictions. I think (hope) you might be able to relate.

Okay…

Like, will Maddox date Apple or be forbidden to date Apple because Brad and Gwyneth had broken up all those years before? Is Zahara going to be so smoking hot on the Naomi Campbell tip and be a bitch about it? Or is she going to be hot if she tried but she doesn’t because she’s too busy saving other orphans? Will she be an amazing lesbian that brings Angelina Jolie to the preview of her first documentary on the suppressed sexuality of some hidden tribe in a remote part of Australia? And all the lesbians swoon when they see her mama because all the polls say that women would “go gay” for Angelina. It’s not even about “going gay.” Angelina is just a fine ass specimen in the rudest possible way. So much so that if she propositioned a fucking raccoon, the raccoon would lick his lips like LL, I mean Todd Smith and be like “what’s up, ma?” That’s how hot she is. I mean, for one person to be blessed with fame, fortune, intensely good looks and Brad Pitt? That shit is just off the chain crazy rude and inappropriate. I can feel my self-esteem plummet just looking at her face. It’s a terrible thing but I love her and I screen saver her ass. See? I have a problem. But I function day to day like a normal person, I swear it.

Will Chris Klein appear on Maury Povich’s show demanding a paternity test? Oh, Chris, please do. Then when the results say that you are, in fact, the father of Suri Cruise, please jump up and down, landing on the dirty carpet to rest your head only to come up in a full rage to point your finger in Katie’s face and say, “Bitch, I told you. I told you. He ain’t about shit! I told you!” Then, hopefully, Tom will walk off the stage where he will be held at the side by some lowly stressed-out PA before security comes. And Katie will be crying. Oh, will she be crying but they will be tears of joy because next week, she’s about to blow it all through the roof with the tell-all book and she ain’t tripping because she got half of what Tom is worth anyway in the divorce. And that big ass picture of Suri that is on the projector screen in the back is so Chris Klein’s baby and we all knew that shit but the show is so good and it’s not like anything else is on. I mean, you decide. HGTV’s That’s Clever or Maury Povich’s SPECIAL on the paternity test results for Suri Cruise?

Will the money and/or attention run out one day on Paris and Nicole? Like, to where they are forced to go on Oprah’s final taping of her final season (for real this time) and discuss the falling out. And Nicole will be all healthy and regular because ten years previous to this event she finally came out like Calista did and said, “Yes, I have an eating disorder and I want to share with you my recovery…” and we go on a ten-episode shot on film documentary with her as she throws trays of burgers at the nurses and says, “I can’t do this! Fuck you people! Ana is my life! I’m the thinspiration for girls around the globe. I’m Nicole Richie and this is a lifestyle, not a disease Jesus H. Christ you people will never understand!”

But then by the last ten minutes of the show the rabbi from TLC’s Shalom in the Home (who blew up like Dr. Phil, yo) comes out and consoles her and before the credits roll, she bites into that burger all tearful and then, through the tears she lets out a simple giggle and says, “Do we have any ketchup?” and everybody hugs.

Oh, and Nicole, on The Oprah Winfrey Show will say, “Sorry I showed your sex tape girl. It was childish and hilarious, but still that was so wrong…” And Paris -- with her new nose because she had to get the septum repaired when it collapsed on that last and final coke binge that she has yet to openly discuss with the media (I know right, she’ll say anything and do anything but she won’t talk about that plastic surgery as Star Jones is her witness) -- will say in her baby voice, “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have made that tape anyway. I mean, it’s like whatever.” They’ll hug and it will be anti-climactic. So Oprah will renew her show for another season so she can have a better ending still because nobody puts Oprah on the ass end of the ratings war. NOBODY!

My imagination is stupid. Furthermore, I must say I read celebrity gossip daily. What is my problem? Is it because it’s always there so I just think this is a normal part of my day? Or do I have a real problem? Is this an addiction? If so, I need to stop now because that is so embarrassing. Addicted to useless information about people I’ll never meet who probably aren’t even really that cool in real life in the first place? That is so gross. I mean, Oprah is the only one worth giving a damn about. And even she really likes celebrities but she likes the bland ones like Jennifer Aniston or Maria Shriver Skeleton Face.

Well, let’s back up. Growing up, my mother read The National Enquirer until she replaced that with Star and we always had a People magazine in the house. Now the People is only good halfway through. And then right as it’s getting good, it switches gears from celebrities to real people and sadly, I am not interested in the real people.

This can’t just be happening to me. At the nail salon, the Us Weekly is always all ruffled up and abused like it’s been rifled through a million times. No one reads the bridal magazines or the home care magazines. Surprisingly enough! Long Island weddings is another topic I’d like to discuss but that’s another day. Girl, they go crazy out here with the wedding shit. It’s actual WORK. Got me thinking about eloping, for real.

Shit, celebrities read about themselves! They gobble it up at the newsstands. They hire people to know what is said about them. It’s someone’s job to collect every piece of press ever for them, archiving every photo, every mention, every blurb. So do I really have a problem?

I need to switch addictions.

But every addiction I try doesn’t work. I tried to get addicted to retail but that didn’t pan out. Either I’m just totally out of style and hate everything out there – I ain’t getting in no skinny jeans. Have you seen my butt? It’s round and plump and attached to a thigh that is creating this little saddlebag on the side. Maybe it’s a saddle coin purse because it’s still really little but it’s there waiting to explode post-baby. I see it. I damn it to hell every morning when I put on my lotion and it laughs at me. Only my calves are suitable for skinny jeans and that’s just eww. OR, my real issue with retail addiction is that I have buyer’s remorse. That’s shopping bulimia. I feel bad about everything I purchase. It can be $300 or $17 on clearance, and I’ll feel bad about it. Do you know how pathetic it is to get a store credit for a $14 top at Forever 21? It’s stupid and I know it but I can’t stop myself.

Just the other night, I purchased a $65 orange Calvin Klein wallet with a wooden and brushed stainless steel clasp. For three nights straight, I have felt horribly guilty about buying it. Why? It’s cute. It was reasonably priced and I like it. It’s so getting returned after my eyebrow threading next week.

I am also addicted to beauty products but my friend says that this is actually a form of OCD. One morning, she said, “WOW, you smell great, what is that?” And ten minutes later, after I regaled her with my layering and my ridiculous shower routine she said, “You have OCD, for sure.”

So other people don’t go through 20 products in the morning? But everybody needs shampoo, conditioner, face wash, face exfoliant, bar soap, gel soap on a puff, body exfoliant, sesame oil, baby powder, lotion, more sesame oil, astringent, Hylexin, moisturizer, sun screen, perfume, deodorant, salve and then makeup and hair stuff. Don’t you need it? Can’t you not go through your day without it? If you don’t, I think you’re crazy (and funky). I refuse to be labeled sick for my showering routine. Well, I guess it’s a little problematic since I had to force myself not to share the actual product names because that would be over-the-top. I know, though, that privately through email I will be sharing that with those who ask because you are out there. I know you relate to this. COME ON.

Am I alone in this? The celebrities, the shopping bulimia, the beauty products? I’m hearing crickets. Please someone help me.

Posted by melissah at April 19, 2006 04:41 PM