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April 20, 2006

99 Products

DISCLAIMER: If you read yesterday’s post entitled 99 Problems and don’t get the beauty regimen OCD thing and you’re not into the celebrity gossip thing, then click on that little archive button and find another little story to read. There’s a good one about how I lost my front tooth a couple years ago in there that you might like. However, if you read 99 Problems and you’re totally into it and you emailed me about the beauty product names, HI! This is for you.

Well damn y’all.

After yesterday’s post regarding an addiction to celebrity trash and beauty products, among other things, I received a bunch of emails stating that I am not alone. Well hallelujah. We’re in this together. I love every single person that took time out of his or her day to email me their lengthy shower regimens and blog listings. Hello, it was like an inbox of straight gifts. Beautiful, wonderful gifts. I am in the process of trying to respond to every single person but that’s cutting into my Next Top Model time so I’ll just use this here website to tell you everything you need to know. That’s not to trivialize my love for each individual that wrote me though. I love you Herbert, Lucky, Marzene, Ricki, Shavone, Natacha, Veronica, Nancy...

You know who you are and by the way, guys, some people have written in saying that we use too many products. They just don't get it.

Okay. First let’s start with the blog listings.

See, I’m crazy. I read HollywoodRag first thing in the morning. Then I graduate to OhNoTheyDidn’t. Then, I read PinkIsTheNewBlog later in the day. I also check in on ImaginarySocialite -- don’t even know her, but sometimes she talks about people I know or know of. Plus she has a great job and a fantastic NYC social life that I vicariously experience. I am really excited that I figured out who she is and can spot her in a LastNightsParty or MisShapes photo collage like what. I also read GoFugYourself, YoungBlack&Fabulous and I recently got locked out of the JJB EZBoard community where all these bloggers must get their photos from in the first place.

Now, just for you I am moving my whole entire computer rig into my boudoir. Yes, I have a dressing room. When I first moved in here, there were two spare bedrooms. One was being rented by the fabulous GayCockSuck and the other was just filled to the brim with stuff that didn’t have a home. All that’s changed, honey. GCS moved out and with some paint, forest wallpaper like dumb ass Maroon Five had on Cribs and some glassy chandeliers and boom, I got myself a boudoir.

The shower is my favorite place in the whole house. Not only because I am surrounded by the original pink tiles from 1942 or whatever, but also because I have all my products lined up like little soldiers ready to get me all kinds of fine-smellin’. These things sometimes change when I’m trying something new, but for the most part, this is the definitive list.

I love Pantene. For years, I’ve been washing my hair and then putting it in a bun still wet (which my hairdresses despises). But later, when I settle in to watch TV, I take that bun out and the hair is still damp and the scent effervesces and I shake it out in J’s face so he can smell it. We’ve been together long enough that’s he’s just totally oblivious to it but I still like it. So I use Pantene Hydrating Curls 2 in 1 Shampoo + Conditioner and then I use the Pantene Hydrating Curls Conditioner. For a moment, I was bamboozled by those SHAMPOOZLED ads by Dove and I switched to Dove for a not-so-shining hair moment, but I’m back. I have even tried the line of Pantene in the gold bottles called Relaxed & Natural for Women of Color but I am back to hydrating curls.

Some people only use soap. Bar soap alone, I don’t feel, is clean enough. I use bar soap before I use my body gel on a poof. I alternate between pink and white Dove and Caress. Depends on my mood. Caress doesn’t goop up as quickly as the Doves though. Then I use a gel and I’m trying something new. I know this is going to sound crazy but I got on the men’s shower gel tip. First I tried the Kiehl’s Pour Homme. I ran out and never picked it up again but I do love it. The other day though, I picked up some straight up Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash in Fresh. I like it. J laughed when I bought it but I see he’s been using it because the product is all dripping down the sides like someone has been tampering with it. I like it. It’s manly as all hell but it fades nicely and it layers well with the rest of my regimen. When I get over this men’s kick, I’ll be back to my Dove body wash – the one WITHOUT the blue or pink little balls that don’t dissolve. I also have a lifetime supply of Neutrogena Rainbath, the turquoise shower gel. Costco, man. You must go! They have all the Mach 3 razors you could ever dream of!

For the face, I use my Obagi cleanser. Then I use Neutrogena Blackhead Eliminating Daily Face Wash. Or I use Janssen Supreme Secrets Intensive Face Scrub which is from my aesthetician but that shit’s expensive so I go sparingly on that.

Then I do my favorite part. Ooh yeah baby. The Te Tao Green Tea and Schizandra Body Smoother. It’s hard to find for some reason. Target and Bed Bath & Beyond just ran out indefinitely so I get it on Amazon but it won’t come back until May. It’s like exfoliant but the crystals turn to oil and they smell crazy delicious. At first, you’re like daaaaayum this is strong but then the whole house smells good and you know it’s going to do the trick when you’re standing at the post office and the bedraggled customer behind you lights up and says, “You smell great.” Be sure to get a good batch though. Once I bought a jar and it just smelled like crap chemicals but I called the place which was actually in Brandon, FL where I went to high school. They gave me a coupon for a new jar. I had to start using this as my body exfoliant because the Fresh Brown Sugar Body Polish that I truly love is $60 a pop and I ran through that like I was JLO with the Crème De La Mer. Did you know she uses it all over her entire body? Rich people, I swear.

I rinse all that and then I apply Neutrogena Sesame Oil to the body right before I get out of the shower and I pat dry with a towel. If I don’t have the oil in the shower because somebody has moved it, I use the lavender Johnson & Johnson’s baby oil but be careful. You’ll bust your ass on that slippery floor and ruin the expensive teeth work you got in your mouth. So hold on to the rack…

Too much oil you say? I can’t help it. I can’t be dry not even for a moment.

For a little while I used that Oil of Olay In-Shower Lotion. I liked it but I keep forgetting to buy it again. It’s the one in the purple bottle.

Now after the shower, I apply Johnson & Johnson’s original baby powder. I also like the Shower to Shower powder. There was this original one in a white bottle but I can’t seem to find it. I don’t want the purple or the turquoise one.

I then apply my lotion taking care to eradicate the white clouds of powder all over my body. I love Johnson & Johnson’s Bedtime lotion with the lavender. I prefer this one over the SoftLotion 24-Hour Moisture Body Lotion which I find to be a little sticky but it does smell great. I sometimes like Jergen’s too. The original weird almond scent. It reminds me of my childhood and of when my mom used to mispronounce Jergen’s by saying GAIR-GENS and we’d all yell JERGEN’S and she’d swat us away from her. My daddy, to this day, still uses that Avon lotion that comes in those little round jars with a gold lid. I don’t know where he gets it STILL but he uses it so hardcore. I used to get yelled at for sneaking some but I had to. He’d inspect my ankles and knees before I left the house sometimes to see how ashy I was and he’d say, “I can’t believe you leaving the house like that…” and as an 8-year-old that was demoralizing so maybe this is where all this moisturizing comes from.

I ran out of my Obagi toner and I’m too scared to go back to the dermatologist because I quit Obagi a couple months ago. I reached my limit, I think. Not that it stopped working but more so that I stopped getting insane results so I just quit without consulting the dermatologist. I feel bad but I had to. You can’t lay out using all that shit. It’s like bleach and all kinds of Retin-A. I still have all 5 of the other steps and I pull them out every now and again but the Neutrogena Blackhead stuff and the expensive stuff really works too.

So I use the Proactiv toner even though Proactiv doesn’t work (for me). Then I put my Hylexin on. This is for dark circles under the eyes that aren’t from lack of sleep. I have those. It’s hereditary. Hylexin WORKS. It’s $100 for a little tube but the tube will last forever. Then I use hands-down, the best moisturizer I’ve ever encountered in the face of the universe which is Janssen Supreme Secrets Rich Nutrient Skin Refiner. The refiner feels greasy at first but it sinks in and it is splendid. At night, it’s amazing. In the morning when I wake up, I still feel moisturized and the texture and tone of my skin is so much clearer and nicer. I like it.

Of course, I use the Smith’s Rosebud Salve. On my lips and to tame my eyebrows and sometimes on my eyelids when I’m doing a no makeup day. I do those often. I never used to leave the house without makeup but this is Long Island. Ain’t nobody tripping off me.

But when I do use makeup, I’m a Lancome Hypnose mascara girl. A Nars Orgasm blush girl. Blah blah blah. Mac Spice lip pencil. I can't get into the makeup conversation right now. I do, though, keep all my makeup in an adorable pink Samsonite makeup case courtesy of a fashionable Mercy of yesteryear. Matching luggage too, bitch. Don't hate.

For my hair I use Kiehl’s Leave-In Conditioner when I’m doing it curly. I let this air dry. With curls like mine, you do not TOUCH the hair while it is drying or it’s ruined. Just sit there. Don’t move. Once it’s 80% dry, I apply BioSilk or my most favorite Kerastase Oleo-Relax. This smells fantastic and I rub the excess on my arms and chest it’s that good. If I'm wearing my hair back in a bun like I always do because this NY humidity is wack, I use Kiehl's Creme with Silk Groom. A tiny bit.

Finally, after all the lotion is applied, I do tiny drops of the Neutrogena Sesame Oil on my arms and chest and torso and then I pay special attention to my feet and my legs. You’d be surprised how many people just forget to moisturize their feet. And bust out in flipflops too! Uh uh, no. I want my feet looking greasy before I leave so that by the time I’m in the car and to my destination, it has sunken in and they look right. I had an ashy heel in a photo once and I was just DEVASTATED. Click on the first picture to make it bigger and zero in on the left heel. Still not over it. Shaking head in embarrassment hoping you will understand it was a mistake!

And I top all this off with Fresh Lemon Sugar perfume. Everywhere. In my hair. On my legs. On my chest. On my wrists. Everywhere. I just love it. I’m addicted. At night sometimes I wear Armani Acqua Di, the one in the light green bottle. It was cheap at the duty free in Acapulco. Use sparingly though. Shit is pimpish.

I also use the following but they don’t matter that much: Dove deodorant in the powder smell, two Q-tips daily, these small round expensive from the dermatologist sponges (cut in half because I’m cheap like that), Mentadent, the Oral-B kind of floss in mint and I keep a big ass jar of old school Vaseline at all times. You never know when you’ll need to soothe those chapped lips or shine up those dull black shoes (not to a patent leather shine – I’m no asshole). You just never know.

For nails, I wear Essie Pachinko Pale. Almost clear, but naturally beige-y. It’s best for brown girls that want that soft glossy freshly manicured but not colored nail look. For lotion touch-ups on hands throughout the day, I use Bliss Lemon + Sage body butter in a travel size.

I love Tweezerman. I chew Orbitz Sweet Mint. I also really like the Kiehl’s coconut lotion for the summer time. I really miss the Love’s BabySoft in the little green bottle too. I also use the Queen Helene Jojoba Hot Oil Treatment on my hair once a month. Or after I’ve been in the sun all day. I don’t go in the ocean water or anything but in the summer if I spend plenty of time at the beach, I go into moisture overload on hair and body. Sometimes I put it in and don’t rinse for hours, just sitting there with my hair all oiled up in a Chococat shower cap. Try that shit! WHOA.

Oh, and I carry around at all times the Queen Helene 100% Cocoa Butter Stick because you never know when you’ll have to sit around and wait for something and this is the perfect time (if you’re alone and all private like) to massage this stick into all the areas where the cellulite and stretch marks are gonna get your ass. Say, while watching Next Top Model, rub it on your stomach, on your thighs front, sides and back and on the backs of your arms. And yes, speaking of arms I know all about those weird hard bumps, either red or white that appear on your upper arms as you age. Exfoliate those to their death and then moisturize like a fiend.

I recently also purchased the stuff specifically made for pregnant women's stretch marks. I use it too. It's never too late for prevention.

I think you’ve had enough. I have had enough even. Should I reveal the little regimen I’ve got my boyfriend on? I know you ladies that suffer/enjoy this vain ass level of OCD have got your man on a regimen. I know you do…

Posted by melissah at April 20, 2006 05:46 PM