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May 18, 2006

Sucka...

Well, well.

Last night, all my faith was renewed with America’s Next Top Model. As you probably know, I was plum heated about last cycle’s winner Nicole. So heated that after she won, I vowed to never watch the show again! It was an empty vow, of course, but I just really couldn’t believe Nicole, this boring slash average-looking bitch, won all the marbles. To be perfectly real, I couldn’t stand her ass then and I still can’t stand her bland, no-charisma-having, stunted My Life as a Cover Girl cue-card-reading stankin’ ass now. But now that I have Danielle as the reigning America’s Next Top Model, all is right with the world.

So right that I am up at dumb ass 6 in the morning to get it off my chest. I woke up today wiggling my toes I was so happy! From a television show, people. What has my life become?

I have to say I couldn’t have been more wrong about the final two. Way back, I’d announced that it just had to be between Nnenna and Mollie Sue. When Mollie Sue was eliminated I was like OH HELL NO. My girlfriend Melissa and I just sat here in shock. Screaming at the television like what alternate universe is this where the prettiest girl on a modeling show goes home for having lack of personality when these rules didn’t apply to, um let’s say winner NAIMA? I said this is on some true bullshit. I was moved enough to send Mollie Sue an email through MySpace from a friend’s MySpace account that was like, “Girl…”! I briefly told her that I still root for her blah blah blah. She so didn't write back to even say thanks. I’m now completely mortified that I was so emotionally involved in this girl’s life as to (anonymously) send her a MySpace message. But still, back in my day, when one little girl achieved even a little bit of fame, I’d spend all night responding to those that spent their time writing me to say I ruled. Even if it was just one small sentence to show that yes, I did read this actual email and yes, I am appreciative.

And I really did root for the gorgeous Mollie Sue with her being from Tampa and all. Not to really go off into a world of self-involvement and one-upping but I do recall that I first shared the label “reality girl from Tampa” with Road Rules Jisela, then with the runner-up girl that lost Andrew Firestone to Jen Schefft on The Bachelor and then with Real World San Diego Robin and now with Mollie Sue. So damn MisShapes Mollie, at least represent for those that came before you. Especially since she’s from my small small town Valrico. A simple THANKS would have gone far, damn. I mean, that’s just how we did it back then. Guess these network TV reality stars don’t roll like that.

(I’m so old, too old for this you guys, I know.)

I stopped liking Nnenna ‘round ‘bout episode three or four. Don’t remember when it exactly clicked in my mind that she was boring and snooty and oblivious. Honey, when your boyfriend shows up in a shiny clubbin’ shirt with all kinds of gelled spikes in his hair you’ve got to do some damage control. Leave any area where the cameras are at least. Don’t bring his crazy dramatic ass on the TV for all to see and clown.

If she’s “be done broked up” with him then she now understands what I’m talking about. If it’s over, she is so annoyed when y’all come up to her at Target and go, “Oh my God, are you still with that crazy guy?” I’m just letting you know for future reference. It is actually a breath of fresh air to her when you don’t ask about him. She is so sick of answering questions about his stupid ass. And if they aren’t broken up and y’all ask that shit while he’s totally standing right there, know that they get into a big fight about how she “handled” the situation when they get back in the car. When the big super fan lady approaches and yells “Dump him, girl” and then proceeds to mind her own business pushing her cart down the aisle, Nnenna is so screwed. Know that he is so insecure that he is going to be all salty with her regarding the crazy things people say that she can’t control. Ugh, it’s so annoying to her you can’t possibly know! Believe me. He is so uncomfortable when the really hot (and huge) black dudes roll up on the both of them and say that she needs to forget about his white ass and get with some brothas. That is totally happening to her today and if not today, tomorrow and many times after. It’s hilarious to us, but she is so fucking over it.

Let’s get to Jade. I so wanted to see a split screen into the millions of homes where all the high-fiving was going down when she was finally, finally eliminated. I touchdown danced, straight up. And that’s with a part of me feeling bad for her.

The truth is Jade is actually gorgeous. All of her pictures, face and body, are beyond beyond beautiful. Look at her Cover Girl shot! Jade is one of those people that has this hard-to-categorize beauty.

She’s in the same bubble with Omahyra, Lisa Cycle 5 and Paris Hilton (even with no butt). I look at these kinds of girls and say, “Wait, is she pretty?” and then after thinking it over for a few moments, I go, “Yeah, she’s fucking smoking hot actually…” I like faces like this. It’s easy to love the Gemmas and the Kates and the Giseles. They’re obviously gorgeous and modeling like a mother so it’s just clear to see. But to find that pretty girl that’s sometimes so not hot is a rare joy. These girls' faces are actually amazing to me. I don’t know why this makes me happy but it does. I would put Mena Suvari in this category as well. Sometimes she strikes me as just intensely pretty and other times, well...

Do you get where I’m coming from?

Now here’s why I feel bad for Jade. I think maybe she has a learning disability. Something is off. At first it was seriously hilarious to watch and listen to her abuse the English language. (You can get screencaps of Jade's glossary here by scrolling down til you see it -- Four Four is the bomb by the way).

But then last night when Jade couldn’t read the cue cards that were right there, I was like, something is wrong with this picture. Who makes up shit that is right there for you to read? It’s like those annoying people that add unnecessary syllables to words. Where, where I ask you does it say “drown-ded” when it clearly says drowned? Perfectly otherwise intelligent people go down the “supposably” path and the “ax” for ask path and the “li-berry” for library path all the time. Why is this? Is this its own disease? But Jade took this to a whole new level. She just created words from thin air. There was only so much I could “intake.”

There’s something else about her beyond her blatant arrogance that she truly believes was just confidence to which I say what the fuck, Jade, come on, can’t you see! She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t truly understand what people are telling her. If someone tells her you don’t know everything so please God stop this behavior she responds with a lengthy poetic speech about what inspires her. Hello? You have to know when to shut it, just shut it sometimes. Coming from me this is insane, I know, but for real. She just doesn’t get it. Like she isn’t all there. Is she on pills? I just don’t understand how she doesn’t get it. I don’t think she understands how poorly she is received and I can’t understand how or why this is so. And how it has gone on this long, I couldn’t tell you. She is 26 years old!

I don’t know. I feel bad for her. She is a very pretty girl. She hasn’t made it for a reason. She has a great face. Well, J says she looks like the baby from Alien 4: Resurrection but I don’t know what he’s talking about. I think she’s very pretty. The short blonde wet look was all wrong but she’s very pretty regardless. Jade, man. I don’t know what to say.

Now, I really thought Joanie would win. Here was my theory that I chose not to share because I really thought I was right and would ruin it for everyone.

When they paid all that money to fix Joanie’s teeth, I was like THIS IS A SET-UP! When have they ever given free dental work? And when it’s just whitening for the other girls whose grills aren’t fucked up, I thought clearly Joanie and Danielle were the final two. They just spent EASILY $7000 or more on Joanie’s shit. Even if it was a trade-out and the dentist did it for free in exchange for appearing on the show – still. That requires a bunch of producers, a bunch of extra leg work to make this happen. Why would a reality television show that isn’t about cosmetic surgery or aesthetic dentistry just up and pay to fix someone’s teeth? I was like Cover Girl loves Joanie but hates her snaggletooth. She’s the winner. Furthermore, why would they have them do all the dental in one freaking night! Damn. You know how uncomfortable Joanie had to have been? I spaced my veneer work over the span of three weeks and I was still hurting. So to do that shit in 12 hours is just crazy talk. She didn’t even have on Ugg boots and a pashmina. When you’re getting serious dental, girl, show up prepared. No jewelry. No makeup. Warm clothes. Uggs or warm socks. Pashmina. And especially Coral in the waiting room persistently begging to come in and see. You need all these comforts!

I also thought Joanie was the clear winner because I can’t remember there ever being a blonde blue-eyed Top Model. Has there been? Blonde and blue-eyed is so Cover Girl in my opinion. I thought they were trying to right the wrong that was Cycle 5 by putting a girl we actually like in the winning position. I liked Joanie. She never did anything stupid. She was only stank toward girls that were retarded. She looked pretty in all her pictures. I related with her on the self-consciousness surrounding those fucked up teeth. I just liked her.

But I really loved Danielle. She came in quiet. I didn’t really notice her at first which is terrible because I love her now. I love her gap. Her skin is just silk. Her body is snap snap snap banging! I don’t care what Tyra says, her accent was just too adorable and I understood every single word that came out of her mouth. All of Danielle’s pictures were amazing. She said the most hysterical shit ever. When she said she was feeling lost in Thailand and that she feared she’d open her eyes and see a sign that said Welcome to Korea – I fell out. Every time she said “sucka” I laughed out loud. I just really like her.

I was overjoyed when she won last night. I so had it in my mind that Joanie was the winner. Imagine my joy and surprise when Tyra said Danielle was the winner! I was like WOW. If Joanie had won, I would have just been happy it wasn’t Jade. But Danielle with the personality and the pretty face and the gorgeous body and the adorable accent won so I was just so all-over happy. A different and genuine happy. I don’t know how to explain it.

This was a good cycle. Not predictable at all which I liked. Jade alone made the show worth watching. I mean, I’ll give props where props are due. Oooh. I don’t have to see Nicole’s stupid ass bumbling through those ads anymore. Plus, I can’t wait to see Danielle succeed as a model/television personality. When we get the pictures of her looking fly walking up in the club with a mogul like Naima (attempted), I’m going to be like YOU GO. When we get to see her in a random milk commercial like the fabulous Toccara, I’ll be beaming with pride. When we get to see her shaking her little butt in a Jamie Foxx video like Eva, I’ll say I knew it. When she’s bouncing around in cheap Payless shoes like Mercedes, I’ll be the first to say there goes MY Danielle.

I’m fixing to drink whiskey all day in honor of Danielle. I’m so happy!

Posted by melissah at May 18, 2006 12:53 PM