« Goldie Hawn? | Main | Tryin' To Catch Me Ridin' 30 »

June 16, 2006

Matt Lauer Did Need Some Socks Too, But...

So I’m totally one of those judgmental people Britney Spears was crying about on Dateline last night. I mean, everything I’m about to say is so totally obvious. However, I can’t possibly keep it to myself though because I couldn’t close my mouth for the entire interview. Then after the interview, I was just in pure shock – still with mouth wide open.

Mainly, it was that her right fake eyelashes were falling off. That whole untrimmed row of them. I noticed during the interview that a few guys were lingering around in the back positioning topiaries and adjusting lights and I thought to myself, No one is going to tell this girl her lashes are falling off! Furthermore, Britney honey, why are you wearing fake lashes in the first place if your wardrobe and make-up choices for a national television interview about how you’re a great mom were so so so very wrong?

See-through lavendar halter top – check.

Cut-off denim mini skirt – check.

Plastic wedge heel flip flops – check.

Cheap plastic beaded bracelets (a gang of ‘em) – check.

Cheap earrings – check.

Tight and cheap necklace – check.

Pink cotton bra exposed – check.

Heaving milk tits – check.

Large voluminous thighs – check.

Irridescent lavender-white eyeshadow – check.

Not enough concealer in the chin area – check.

Weave hella slept on with the boxy, square pieces looking fresh out the bag – check.

Eyelash falling off – check.

Eyelash glue showing (how was it not enough if I could plainly see it?) – check.

Chipped purple nail polish on nails bitten to the quick – check.

Not a Kleenex in sight – check.

Plastic red kegger cup on floor – check.

Girl needs help.

And I’m not talking about therapy or none of that. She needs to use her money wisely.

Kevin Federline needs to return his dumb ass little sharks, put his bulldog up for adoption and stop it, just stop it please with the expensive studio time. It’s not going to work out Kevin. You need a vocation, mother fucker, a trade. Go learn how to do some welding, dental assistance, something. DeVry, University of Phoenix – something. You need to work with machinery in a factory. Get your hands dirty. Bring your lunch in a pail, you little asshole.

No more money for Kevin. He can take those big ass Oprah diamonds out his little raggedy earlobes. Take all those sneakers, all those oversized shorts, all those tall tees – get ‘em outta here. He needs a jumpsuit – I prefer an orange one so I can keep him where my eyes can see. Put his ass in a prison boot camp or something. Planting some trees and doling out the mashed potatoes ought to set his dumb ass mind right.

Now that Britney’s stopped the financial hemorrhaging, she can hire that old leathery girl Nicole Richie has hired and get to STYLING. Nicole Richie -- who claims that she dresses herself and only uses Rachel Zoe for events to which I say bitch please I’ve seen the befores -- has straight up turned her life around and even opened a little window of opportunity to even have a career. What, exactly, does she do we all wonder but it does not matter. Her ass is walking around in some designer shit looking cute even while she’s clanking around in her bone suit.

I mean, hell, even crackhead ass Whitney Houston wore an impeccably tailored crisp white suit when she was on Primetime with Diane Sawyer answering questions about smoking the rocks. When I’m saying Britney take a cue from Whitney – something is not right! Shit is amiss up in here.

I guess something can be said for the fact that Britney seems to have reached that nirvana that we all hope to achieve which is to truly, openly, unapologetically NOT GIVE A FUCK. She’s like, “I go out with curlers. I have to live my life. I am not going to let these people be that impactful…” or whatever she said. Fucking impactful though? Damn. I get it – she’s no word nerd but IMPACTFUL?

However, something’s real fishy about this interview. If you want to set the record straight, don’t do a half ass job. Put a suit on or at least look as cute as you did on Letterman. Brush your hair (and your teeth for that matter). Pull the hair back actually. Neat pony tail, some cute fringe bangs. Sit up girl. Put those milk jugs away. Get out the diamond solitaire necklace, the diamond-encrusted cross – something! Put your little tips on even if it means asking your housekeeper to moonlight as a manicurist – get it done.

Then, nicely, ask your mother to be on standby staring at the monitors for the whole interview. This way she can rush in and say, “Baby girl, don’t lean forward like that because we almost caught your nipple…” and this will help all of us.

I do feel sorry for her, I do. Well, not really. I really assumed money could buy you access to people that know a lot better than you. No publicist rang her line and said, “Um, this outfit isn’t going to work…”

No manager suggested to have the interview beneath a big ass chandelier so Britney could be like, Don’t front I’m living all kinds of beautiful so kiss my ass.

Ugh. She also tried to say that because she’s “country” she had the baby on her lap. When she was little, she pretended she was driving with her daddy. Um, did you do that as a 7-month-old? And why justify the fact that you nearly killed the baby in the driver seat if it was really the paparazzi’s fault. Can you imagine, heaven forbid, that air bag blowing up in that little baby’s face? Your bodyguard in the passenger seat ON THE PHONE couldn’t put the baby in the seat? Or block the paparazzi while you put the baby in the seat? And if they were pounding on the windows like she says, not a one of the 98 paparazzi got a shot of that? I don’t care if the Starbucks is in the backyard. She said it’s only “right there” but if right there requires that you take the baby in the car, you have to put the baby in the seat. And if right there is so close, you may as well just left the baby alone in the den surrounded by icepicks and he might have been safer. My goodness, girl.

Is it fucked up that the paparazzi will continue to film her ass while she’s crying after she nearly dropped the baby while holding what I think is a vodka tonic with the lime discarded so it doesn’t look like a vodka tonic? Totally. But having said that, I think I’d ORDER IN at the Ritz that day rather than make a spectacle of myself in long jeans, raffia heel wedge heels, a black nursing bra, exposed thong and a fucking open-back white halter with day old eyeliner across my face. HELLO!

The whole interview, I just kept picturing Christina Aguilera driving around in a big SUV, playing the interview on moniters in the truck, blasting her single while jamming at the steering wheel. Ain’t no other man! Just cracking up.

Then, I pictured Jessica Simpson actually crying with Britney, like, “Y’all that is so sad!” Ken Paves and the other people that she pays to laugh at all the uninteresting things she says look on with the same sad face and agree out loud. But in their minds they’re like, “Bitch you should be happy she’s on the verge of oblivion for without her, honey, you’d just be some wig-hawking jackass from the ‘round the way. Someone’s gotta fall for you to rise up, I mean for real…” Jessica is thinking that shit too, but she’s really trying to concentrate on how Ashlee, of all people, has surpassed her in looks and career. How is this happening?

Christina is tapping her satin pink Laboutins on the gas pedal doing that opening roar talking about, “Rrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaain’t no other man…” still ROLLING, probably cackling! She sent some flowers over this morning but she’s still cracking up.

Cameron Diaz, on the other hand, is sitting on Justin Timberlake’s lap. I get the feeling they ain’t never really without contact. I’m 30-ish and desperate like that with my man too, I guess. On commercial break, she’s like, “That’s your girlfriend…” and she laughs. Meanwhile, Justin has some fucked up shit to say back right on the edges of his lips but he’s a gentleman. Should I say she looks better without make-up than you do old stankin' bitch, so I’d slow my roll if I was you or is that too mean? It’s too mean (even I thought it was too mean after I wrote it). He decides it's rude to say and he changes the channel even though his mama is so taping that shit for him.

Oprah is speed-dialing Gayle. She announces that she should have Britney on the show. “This way at least our lighting team and our make-up team can make up for whoever put this girl through this bullshit,” Oprah says sympathetically. Oh yeah, in my mind, Oprah curses. And reads tabloids. And drinks a peppery bloody mary on a Sunday morning.

At the end of the day, Britney wants or needs the attention. Otherwise, she’d have sense enough to send her cousins out for the Starbucks. The sense enough to just stay inside and do prenatal yoga and get facials and massages.

ALSO – and this really got my blood boiling – Britney, you even use AIR QUOTES wrong. Don’t put “far” in air quotes when you say the media has gone a little far with you. Have they or haven’t they? What exactly are you trying to convey? She misused the air quotes about 57 times last night too. I was blown away. She also said, with music, she needed to find her knack. I was like, do you mean niche? Fucking shit.

I’m a bad person for having an opinion. Like Britney said, “That’s America.” But seriously, girl should hibernate. And think twice before calling Madonna a “lady.” She didn’t say it nice either. She said it with that old frame of reference. Britney don’t burn that bridge. Madonna has magical powers and she might could help your ass one day.

P.S. And yes, I forgot about the gum chewing during the nationally televised interview. The gum chewing!

Posted by melissah at June 16, 2006 01:22 PM