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September 24, 2006
Karma is a Bizzle*
We have so much to cover.
I wrote a whole big gigantic six-page report on the first episode of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 7 but this pteradactyl of a computer is terrible. The report, that I so diligently composed, is gone like Nicole Richie’s tits. Vanished, goodbye. Crystal meth is a helluva drug. Anyway, I bought this laptop with my dumb ass little challenge winnings and that was nearly five years ago. This computer is so over.
J brought home this big pretty white Apple three weeks ago, but it’s so intimidating and in my opinion, not user-friendly. Why when I press download, can I not find the thing I just downloaded? It doesn’t even have Word. What is this notepad business? I need Word. Did you know that Anne Rice still uses an old school, like, DOS program? The one with the big blue screen and the big white blinking line as the cursor to write all her huge books. To this day! Yup, and she loves Halle Berry. Has pictures of her in her office. With baby doll heads everywhere too. She’s a fascinating person and I still can’t believe I was up in her house touching stuff.
Now, let me try to remember the things I noticed on ANTM.
Maybe I’m crazy, but if I were at my first photo shoot where I had to take photos butt ass naked, would I be eating off the craft services table? No. Not that a celery stick is going to show up in the pictures, but dude, eat after the shoot. A million things could go wrong. Bloated stomach, food in teeth, cheesy nails – a million things. When the girls did the King shoot for Flavor of Love 2, they were hella eating too. Like, going off. And I thought to myself, Why eat now? I’m not saying do not eat. I am saying eat later, just to clarify.
And let’s discuss the nudity thing. To the Republican girls from Idaho (or wherever) that think Elisabeth Hasselback is both a style icon and a future politician – do not apply to America’s Next Top Model. Hi Ginger. Nudity is a regular part of modeling even when it’s not the point. Have you not seen blurred nipples and booty cracks on a backstage show on Project Runway? Do you get that you have to entirely disrobe in front of hundreds of people every two minutes while walking a show? And sometimes nudity is the point. Even the implication of nudity is the point. Ding ding ding. This is not Afghanistan’s Next Top Model. This is America’s Next Top Model, where nasty is as nasty does. We’re all cool with nasty around these parts so get it together. Have you never seen a Calvin Klein ad? Are you not familiar with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, the Victoria’s Secret catalog? Nekkid is a business. Get with it or stay shucking corn somewhere in the middle lands. Do you want to model or not?
That’s not to say that I too didn’t feel a little weird about the naked photo shoot. I get it, totally. But damn, it’s only 8 o’clock and kids are watching. Although this will come off hypocritical, I must say that The Nastification of the World is in full effect. Case in point: the bulimia/anorexia photos, the “casting couch” photos and the drug addict photo. Starvation, fucking to get ahead and drugs? Are we serious right now? Did anyone else wonder how this got past standards and practices? Hey, let’s glamorize eating disorders, drugs and sexy time for all the little girls that love this show. Shit is crazy.
(Small voice: I still love this show.)
Actually, it’s not that crazy. It’s normal now. Nicole Richie is on the cover of magazines every day with an obvious problem. Anorexia? Crystal Meth? Cocaine? I don’t know. When I see her on the cover of a magazine and it’s NOT about her body issues, I’m like really, am I supposed to look at this girl and go yeah I love that Chanel handbag? No. I go HOLY SHIT, is that a full-on sternum I see? It’s distracting really, however, I’m obviously hooked on the anorexia stories. I’m the asshole that buys the shit, but still. Some people don’t see what I see. They see her and they go, “Wow she’s my thinspiration…” We all have body issues, but damn. Okay, fine, I was drinking a baby sized Diet Coke during the show. But, you see, I had dinner. That’s the difference.
And can I just make a suggestion to all the paparazzi? I'm getting kind of tired of Lindsay, Paris, Nicole and fucking Kristin Cavalleri. Can we please get some candids of some other, more interesting celebs? Here is a short list: Bea Arthur, Roger Hazard, Jodi Watley, Bobbi Kristina(maybe LaPrincia too but mostly Bobbi Kris), Al Sharpton, Clive Pearse and Tina Simpson. That's who I like. I want to know what they do all day. Where do they shop? What do they do at the club? Who are they hugged up with? Who fulfills Tina's needs? An entire new business opportunity awaits. I will buy a tabloid with Al on the cover and blurbs about Roger Hazard's gay escapades on the side. Bobby Kris is doing some dirt, I know she is.
Getting side-tracked.
We are reaching an all-time crazy level of nastiness. If this is how it is in 2006, I can’t even imagine what it will be like in ten more years. My poor children will enjoy nothing that I have come to enjoy. I have already decided that my daughter will not even realize that she has legs. The girl will be dressed just like this Lutheran girl I knew in high school. Long skirts every day. Legs all alabaster and ashy from never seeing the light of day. She will have a cell phone, but she will have exactly twenty minutes a month. She’ll only need to make five second phone calls anyway. She’ll have the “checking in” call which goes: I’ll be at the movies in ten minutes. My mom is with me. And she’ll have the emergency call which goes: Send help! My face is on fire! My face! My face! Plus, I dare her to send me to voice mail. I just dare her. Yeah, lots of volunteering at the homeless shelter for us. She better get used to what it feels like to hold a ladle, scooping that soup out of that big vat. Carpel tunnel from a ladle and not MySpace, ain’t that some shit?
I’m feeling especially intense about the nastification of the world right now because I recently found my niece on the MySpace and honey, WOW. She isn’t talking to me anymore because I had to tell on her but I don’t even think she knows what she was talking about. Yes, I know you went to a pool party with your other 12-year-old friends but we do not POST those pictures on the Internet, my dear. Children doing grown-folks shit is scary. And it’s happening every day.
Shall we talk about the models?
I met Melrose last year, briefly. She had a fashion show during San Francisco’s first Fashion Week. She designs leg warmers and stuff. She asked Coral to walk in her show. She also had Christina (can't find her photo but from Cycle 4) and Brittany walk in the show. Coral called and told me she was doing something in Fashion Week, so I flew up and visited. Plus, we had to set up her new apartment which was bittersweet because it was “our” stuff from the old apartment pre J. This was right when I first moved to New York and right after we filmed Battle of the Network Reality Stars.
Anyway, Melrose also walked in her own fashion show. She was obviously a huge reality TV fan and also a big fan of fashion so America’s Next Top Model is right up her alley. She seems pretty TV-savvy. Crying behind her hands or closed bathroom doors and also, so far, she hasn’t been seen “undone.” She is getting the bitch edit, which she probably likes because she called herself a bitch. And unbeknownst to the other contestants who didn’t study before showing up, all that talking behind Melrose’s back will only get Melrose more face time, thus more recognition after the show which equals way more famous than you guys. This is all working in her favor. I think she’s pretty and when I met her, she was nice. Very busy at the time, but nice. She is not the winner though, in my opinion. Not winning is not necessarily a bad thing anyway. Look at that girl Anne that used to kick it with Eva. She works. Tyra will build Melrose up just to knock her down, but she is going about this pretty intelligently (if you can say that about a reality TV show).
The twins Amanda and Michelle are not hot. Okay, not hot is a little harsh. The one that did the bulimia thing looked like Fiona Apple with all that makeup and lighting so she did look pretty, but still. Why do both of them get to compete? The only reason why this is a plus for all of us is that one day soon, Tyra will have them standing before her. She’ll dramatically say “One clock, two bodies” and one of them bitches is out the door. The one that stays will cry and say she will carry the torch for both of them. Blah blah blah. You and I will be cracking up at home. Our Diet Coke will come spewing out of our nostrils, it’s so funny. And that will be the end of the twins. Now, if one wins (not likely) this show and the aftermath it brings on will have ruined their relationship for good, just like those twins from 8th and Ocean. One with bad skin, one with good skin. Can you imagine hating the prettier version of yourself? That’s on some different shit far beyond body dysmorphic disorder and low self-esteem. That’s on some Vicodin addiction laying in the street during rush hour shit. I hate you. I hate me! But I really hate you! Me too though! Hey, did you know that the children of identical twins are actually half-siblings and not cousins? Wikipedia said.
Let’s try to be positive.
Caridee, AJ and Megg are hot. They have model faces and bodies to match. Has a blonde won this competition yet? Ever? I think Caridee might win. She needs to relax a bit, but she has a complex about being from North Dakota so I get it. She has to be “wild” and “crazy.” I think she needs to just chill and model because she’s got a face and a body to die for. She’s my pick for the win which means she won’t win. Ever since Nicole the ass face won, I have lost all hope with this show but I can’t turn it off.
If it were really really up to me, I’d pick Anchal for the win. I love this girl. Anchal is gorgeous, like stupid crazy delicious. I have never seen a face like hers. Actually, she looks like a Disney cartoon. She doesn’t have a model body but at least she knows she has to work on it. I am so happy they called her out on the blue contacts. Oh, the politics behind the blue contacts. I can’t even get into it. I cannot stand the blue contacts.
Since I said that, it’s only fair for me to admit my own lapse in judgment, my own foray into “color shame.” In third grade, I practiced tucking my top lip in in the mirror for ten minutes before school. It was picture day. Every day, I got brutalized for having such big “watermelon lips” and that’s where the “black is bad” vibe snuck in on me. I was a little kid, but there was hope for me. One day, in fourth grade, it just clicked – just like that -- and I realized the power of FUCK THAT and decided, like Danity Kane, “you’re not gonna bring me down today…” I was like, this black Filipino thing is working for me so I don’t know what y’all’s (yes I said and just wrote a word with two apostrophes) problem is. I knew from then on that my lips were hot like fire. I had a few relapses in junior high but that was temporary. Now when people ask me if my lips are fake, I time-travel back to that day with my banana clip in my hair, my yellow turtleneck and my plaid fuschia jumper (full pants with pockets, thank you) and I roll my eyes. Why no one told me that jumper was the real problem, I do not know. It was between that jumpsuit or my sister’s Thriller half-shirt which wasn’t allowed so…
Anchal won't win because that's just the way it goes but maybe she'll appear in a Neptunes video where she belongs. She is so hot I can't even stand it. I'd say she's the prettiest girl to ever ever ever get on the show. Yeah, that's what I said and it's totally true. I've never seen a girl that pretty. Really.
Christian was one of the prettiest girls in the competition. She so should not have gone home. Sometimes I think Tyra is hating on folks. Why should Christian have gone home before the poor man’s Kim, before boring Brooke?
Everyone else is just so so to me.
Wait. Jaeda looks like Eva Mendes and Floetry lady had a baby. Sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes, I don't know what to think. But other than that, I can’t really remember anyone else. Or did I cover everyone?
Can't believe I miss Jade.
Now, if Michael (come on, the coffee filter dress!) doesn’t win Project Runway I’m serious this time – that show is dead in my eyes. After Santino’s loss, there is only so much I can take.
*Karma is a bizzle has nothing to do with this entry -- it just must be said as often as possible because a) it's true and b) it's hilarious.
Posted by melissah at September 24, 2006 06:07 PM