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February 14, 2009

L.O.V.E.

Brad Walsh took pictures of me three nights ago. I am now almost 35 weeks pregnant. I had no intention of documenting the transition of my body from light as a feather stiff as a board to having a whale of a time. I have felt like cold diarrhea, like, every day.

But like I said, Brad Walsh took my picture three nights ago and now I feel like hot shit.

I am happy that he told me I have to take pictures. He has single-handedly changed my perception of my own pregnancy. You have to know what a mindfuck it is to hate your own life in the midst of vomit, nausea, leg cramps, heartburn, amniocentesis, manic worrying and constipation but to love the little life inside of you so much that you sometimes cry on the drive home listening to fucking Jodeci. "So you're having my baby..."

But to look at the photos, I believe now that the whole process was just golden. The happiness and calm I see in my face when I look at the photos is not what I felt while living in my body for the past eight months. But the photos manage to tell the true story of what is in my heart for my baby. I can't even explain it without writing a fucking haiku and hating myself after for succumbing to this outpouring of spiritual type shit. Trust me, I'd rather stay dry and sarcastic and roll my eyes. It's where I feel most comfortable. BUT! I now deem the whole process peaceful and beautiful. And really, it was and is. I haven't even met the child yet and I find the suffering of all this discomfort and acne and low self-esteem and anxiety and self-doubt. The needles. The amniocentesis. The fetal monitors. The premature contractions. The scares. The waiting for the good news after a traumatic experience or test. Really, all totally worth it. Ugh. I can't even.

Thank you Brad Walsh. Really. What a tremendous gift to give to me. I'm crying.

I also got another Louis Vuitton bag for my birthday which is also a nice gift. Especially since my thoughtful husband surprised me with it. We retired birthday gift exchange many moons ago. He filled it with onesies that he made special just for her and said, "Our daughter started packing before you did..." when he handed me the gigantic LV bag in all its glory. Housed in the big LV paper gift bag, then in the big hard-structured LV box, then in the big LV dust cover. The layers of luxury packaging are half the experience, you know.

It's the final stretch. The most amazing little girl will soon bless this house with her presence. She doesn't even know she is the most prized and most loved baby in the entire universe of all universes yet. How could she know? But soon enough! She's coming home in a tiny rasta hat. It's black with red, gold and green stitching. She is beyond! I don't even know what to do with myself.

<3

Posted by melissah at February 14, 2009 07:35 PM